Since there is no existing term for the thing that I’m writing here, I will invent one, which is “dying note”. It is not a suicide note, because even though I think suicide is always a possibility and a matter of choice, currently I have no intention to do so.
Why am I writing a dying note, when I’m feeling like I am at the height of my youth, my strength and in the constant process of growing my intellect? Because while I’m optimistic about the future, the future is still the future, full of uncertainty. And while being optimistic, I’m also realistic. Therefore, I think it is necessary to account for the full range of possibility, including the possibility that I might die for some reason in the near future. Only a single-minded fool thinks death from old age is the only death awaiting him.
I had written a dying note back in 2020. Even though the spirit and the idea are still the same, there is some superfluous part in the previous note that makes me want to write this one to correct it. So, let’s talk about that superfluous part first. I believe I spent like half of the previous note talking about what should be done at my funeral. Back then I have the idea of integrity of my life and ideology, so the funeral should be thing that extend it and finalize it. But then I read Montaigne, who talked about the vanity of people arranging things that happen after they die. Indeed, what I was trying to do is vanity. Why should I care about what happens after my death? Here I am, trying my best to live well, to make sense of the limited time I have. What matters is what belongs to this life, what I am capable of thinking about. After I die, I can’t think and can’t feel anything. Why should I care?
But wait, isn’t writing a dying note an attempt at integrity, trying to leave something behind? Maybe. But for the sake of consistency, let’s just think that I am writing to myself. This note is just an attempt of me trying to make sense of my life, to state explicitly what is important to me, what keeps me going forward. The people who understand me don’t need to read it, because there is nothing that I have to explain to them. Those who don’t understand me or don’t know me don’t matter. I never give a fuck about what they think about me, alive or dead.
Before focusing on what is the core, what I believe to be unchanging in me, let’s talk about the changes, internal and external, that happen in the past 2 years. I learned a lot about software engineering and other subjects. I gained a better understanding of myself, physically and mentally, and of the world around me. I moved to Singapore, had the chance to work in a different country and a somewhat different culture. I made some new friends, had a lot of insightful conversations. And I had time to think, to dig deeper and to explore the possibilities.
So, what is the unchanging part? It is the thing that motivates me, that drives all these exploration and learning. I have always felt it and aimed for it, but only recently, after having a conversation with Tuan, I could identify it and call it by name. It is freedom. It is not only that, instinctually, or biologically, I have always had a taste for freedom. But rationally, I think it is the only thing that is worth pursuing as a human being, capable of thinking and making decision. By freedom, I don’t mean the vulgar, simple meaning the word that is common in cultures plague with capitalism and consumerism: freedom to pursue the things that we want. I mean freedom in a higher sense: freedom to choose the things that we want to pursue. Why? Because if we don’t think about what is meaningful, what is desirable, what is worth pursuing, then the world around us or the biological part inside us will provide us the carrot and stick, either telling us explicitly or influencing us in an unconscious way regarding what we should want. Then we are just tossed about, doing whatever is convenient for the influencers, and there is no fucking freedom in any of that.
So, having talked about the goal, what is the mean? The only mean is knowledge. By knowledge, I mean a broader sense of the word, which includes experience. By gaining more knowledge and experience, I can know what the possibilities are, the range of things that I can want. Then I can compare the tradeoffs between those options, and finally choose the one that is most desirable, well, at that current state of my knowledge. Therefore, what I had done and what I will keep doing is learning and experiencing the possibilities.
Of course, I must accept my limitations, which include my limited mental capacity, my limited time on earth and all the other biological needs that have to be satisfied so I myself can function normally. But those limitations are also motivations. Why would I want to do anything if my power and time are unlimited? There is no need to try, there is no urgency in such a situation. And, having accepted that my time is limited, the way that I must learn is clear: I will do it in the most efficient way, trying to gain as much knowledge and experience as I can. In the process, I have to leave something behind, and have no time to regret it. But it doesn’t matter. The same way as the unachievability of absolute knowledge and freedom doesn’t matters. The only thing that matters is that I can come closer to it, that I know I always try to do it, and that every day I can sense my progress towards it.
I will conclude this note here. I think I have said enough, and surely more than what I planned to write. But the topic is by no mean simple and I think it deserves to be treated at sufficient length. To summarize, freedom is what I want, gaining knowledge is how I can achieve it, and accepting my limitations and trying my best is how I do it.
Some contexts about the time of this writing, in case it is of interest later to me: I have just finished my last interview with Amazon recently. I don’t know about the result yet, but I have tried my best over the past 5 months, learned a lot during the process, and I’m satisfied with myself.